I faked an abortion last night.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
