why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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