Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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