i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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