I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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