your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I lost the right to judge tonight
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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