Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
