I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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