I cannot find my penis.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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