So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
How external is "for external use only"?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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