You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
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To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
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well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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