I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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