R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
