I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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