I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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