I wish I only lived at night.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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