I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
