Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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