Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
