I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
