Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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