where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
