True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You are a genius and a whore.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
