it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
