So drunk its hurt
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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