I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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