life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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