clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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