I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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