9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
