I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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