i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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