I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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