Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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