I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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