Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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