Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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