I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
