I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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