if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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