They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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