He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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