i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
