Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I will die if light touches me.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
