I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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