I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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