If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
