it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Michael Bay diarrhea
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
