I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
