Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
