Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
