Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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