Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I FOUND THE LEGS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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