I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
