i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
