I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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