Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize