Little spoons don't ask big questions
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
