Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
